Can’t bring yourself to pop the question, “Wanna go out some time?” You’re not alone. Why waiting can be bad for your health. And the right time to tell someone you have HIV…. The Counselor is in…

“My friends are all big daters. They date one guy, get involved, fight, break up, make up and break up again and again. The cycle continues and I don’t see them any happier than they were 10 years ago. One thing has remained - our friendship. I am 36 years old and have not been on a date since I was 23. The date went well but he and I just didn’t have a connection. I decided then that as long as I have my friends I don’t need anyone else in my life. Sex I can get from other guys but my heart goes to my friends. They think I’m just scared to date but I just don’t see the point when dinner and a movie just means “let’s have sex”. I’d rather skip the formalities and get to the bedroom - I’ll watch the movie and have drinks with my friends. Am I wrong or do my friends have a point?”

- Not Dating

Dear Not Dating,

Are you wrong? No. Do your friends have a point? Yes. It is wonderful to have a community of close friends that can provide love and unconditional acceptance. If these same great friends sense your fear around dating, well it is worth looking at that. The real question of concern is, are you satisfied? Search inside and forget about what your friends are doing. They may have their own individual challenges when it comes to relationship patterns.

It is not an easy task to make a relationship work but truly rewarding when it does. Since it has been thirteen years since your last date, I wonder if you might be missing opportunities for connection and personal growth when it comes to dating. Dating doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Sex without love is fine. It is good to remember though that you call the shots and it might pay off to experiment with developing the relationship before sex. There could be a different kind of sexual experience that is full of tensions both intimate and exciting.

True intimacy and love are about having a friend AND lover that is always in your corner. Although, this does not mean that they are never on your nerves. Another benefit of committed intimate relationships is the awareness and growth that occurs when both partners work together to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict effectively. Supporting each other’s personal growth can be altogether risky, scary, rewarding and healing to do with the right person when you feel ready and committed to this end.

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“I’m HIV+ for the past two years. I haven’t dated since being diagnosed. I meet a guy and get interested but then avoid them so I won’t have to deal with the whole hiv thing. I do still have sex with partners but dating is really giving me a problem. I want to date but don’t know how to get past having the discussion. How do I push through that?”

- Ready But Scared

Dear Ready but Scared,

Disclosing HIV status is a scary and difficult conversation, as is any conversation where you may face rejection. It is important to consider your own feelings about your HIV status. Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness or anger may come across in disclosure and can be sensed by others. As well, feelings of being empowered and informed will also come across.

It is worth your effort to do the work to get to this place and therapy is always a great place to work this out. On a practical note, it is important to remember that many HIV+ people have happy relationships. You are worthy of a relationship and of being loved.

You are not obligated to disclose everything on the first date. Step back and assess whether this guy is someone you are interested in and if they are trustworthy and capable of being kind with your feelings. As for your sexual partners, disclosing your status is beneficial to both you and your partner. It allows your partner personal choice. It allows you to operate from a place of honesty and authenticity.

Responses provided by the staff of Waterloo Counseling Center. For more information and/or counseling please visit www.waterloocounseling.org or call 512-444-9922.

• The views expressed in this article are for general purposes. Anyone with personal questions or seeking treatment, immediate or otherwise, should contact Waterloo Counseling Center or a facility or your choice.”