So this is my lament… my source of angst. One year ago this month I was diagnosed with HIV. From the moment I received the letter from the Travis County Health Department my life changed - changed, not over. Read more of my story…

In my last passage I shared those first few days after getting a negative test result. I decided to jump to the present instead of fleshing out the experience which I have yet to share with some people within my closest circle, including my family.

In the year to come, that will change. I will “come out” to family and more friends. The men I encounter in passing will also find out. My circle will grow and so will I.

When you are told you have this deadly virus inside you, it is surreal. Colds come and go, the flu knocks you over now and then but you get through it. I may not get through this. That is no reason for me to lay down my life now. No reason for me to give up and say ‘take me.’

I have to remember that right now I still have control. Control of my wellness, my environment, my behavior - all things that affect how this disease progresses.

For me, HIV has given me a great gift. Yes, a gift…a wake up call to enjoy my life and not waste it; To live my life according to my rules and not to the inclinations of others. I have taken control. Sounds very Janet Jackson of me to say, lol, but she isn’t the artist I have in mind when I think of control.

A singer/songwriter by name of Poe is my inspiration this time. On her album “Haunted”, moments from the track titled “Control” encases how I feel one year after my diagnosis… To HIV I say:

Surprised you to find that I’m laughing?
You thought that you’d find me in tears
You thought I’d be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I’ve got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

Now I have taken control.